take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
