Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
