my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
