is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize