I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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