no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize