i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
