I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Boobs are out for the taking
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
