So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
