my room smells like sperm. sweet.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
