She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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