FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize