my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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