our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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