i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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