if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
