I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
