I'm eating all of the evidence.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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