I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
