Moan for me like Helen Keller
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
