Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
