im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
