im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
