i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize