So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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