So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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