At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
