its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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