Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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