Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
