you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
