Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
