you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
