All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
