dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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