Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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