I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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