sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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