I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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