In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
