Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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