My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When are your genitals available?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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