If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
