I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
