I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
