Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
