Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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