Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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