so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Randomize
