Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
