One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
