I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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