Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
