im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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