I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
