as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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