Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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