she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
