Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize