i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
