I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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